Accidents Will Happen
by Rurouni Star
Summary: No one with half a mind will ask the question on EVERYONE'S mind... has Ed gotten shorter?
1. Another Day at the Office

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

All right. It's Thanksgiving. I'm in a write-y kind of mood and not really wanting to be overly serious about it. Therefore, you get this. One bite-sized chapter a day. Forgive the complete WTF!ness of the story, because it _does_ get way weird later. It's the caffeine.

**Summary:** Mustang is bored. Ed comes back. Mustang becomes less bored.

**Prologue:  
Another Day at the Office**

Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, illustrious colonel, and all-around frightening sonuvabitch, was bored.

This was not an unusual occurrence. In point of fact, it happened just about every day, starting with the early morning wake, his cup of coffee, and a certain blonde-haired ice-eyed woman in his office with a stack of paperwork that reached to her eyes when she carried it.

Because, of course, being Flame Alchemist, illustrious colonel, and an all-around frightening sonuvabitch required him to scrawl his name three times a piece on five hundred sheets of wasted paper each day.

Mustang stared at the undiminished pile with a slight frown, tapping the fingers of his right hand on the highly polished wood of his cherry wood desk.

_Tmp_ _tmp, tmp tmp._

Perhaps, he reflected, he ought to get another cup of coffee.

Just as he was rising from his seat and planning his route of escape through the office to the break room, however, a furious scream from just beyond his door made him sit back down, a smirk appearing instantly on his face.

The solution to his dilemma had, in fact, just arrived.

His door slammed open with an inhuman force just as he managed to cultivate the perfect expression of non-interest. A different blonde-haired subordinate pushed his way through the door, and Mustang remembered why it was he enjoyed his job so immensely and with such maliciousness.

"Did someone step on you again?" he asked mildly of the teen that had burst into his office, holding the smirk perfectly in place.

Edward Elric, bane of evildoers and kneecaps everywhere, leveled a twitching glare in his direction.

"Who are you calling so short that people step on him like an ant?" Ed hissed angrily, for once hitting the nail right on the head.

Mustang held up his hands in submission, still smiling. "I meant nothing of the sort, of course," he protested. "I just thought someone might have missed seeing you and tripped."

Ed gritted his teeth and, for once, seemed to make an effort to control himself. After a moment, he let out a long breath and closed his eyes, as though he'd just finished mentally counting to ten. Mustang, interested in his report despite himself, made no further height-related comments as the Fullmetal Alchemist sank into a chair in front of his desk.

It was very hard to hold himself back, however, as Ed seemed to have sunk so very far into the chair that he looked even shorter than usual.

"Reporting back, as promised," the other alchemist said unexpectedly, removing the temptation. "I'm ready to resume work."

"And your personal business?" Mustang asked with a raised eyebrow.

Ed frowned momentarily, and the colonel had the impression that he was grinding his teeth together. "Incomplete," he grit out.

The colonel's other eyebrow shot up, then, and he leaned back into his own chair. "I don't suppose you feel like informing me exactly why you requested two weeks leave out of the blue? We both know it wasn't to visit your brother – you said earlier that he was on his own vacation."

Vacation being a code word for "honeymoon". It was _highly_ unlikely that Ed would be visiting him while he was with Winry Rockbell on the coast…

"You're right," Ed muttered. "I _don't_ feel like telling you. I just had a score to settle, and I didn't quite manage it."

Mustang shrugged. "All right then."

Edward's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "All right then?" he asked. "You're not going to pry every little detail out of me that you can like the nosy little bastard you are?"

Mustang merely smiled. "Of course not. I have Hughes, after all."

Ed's resulting gape officially turned the day from 'boring' to 'highly amusing'.

-----


	2. Chapter 1

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary:** That poor credenza.

**Chapter 1: **

"Isn't she just the most adorable thing you've ever laid eyes on – and she rides that bike like a pro, soon she'll be able to go without training wheels-"

"Hughes!"

"-she'll be winning gold metals one day, I tell you! Can you imagine her all grown up, not only gorgeous, but talented, too-"

"_Hughes!_"

"Yes, Edward? Did you want to look at the photos more?"

The so-named groaned and put his face in his hands. "Hughes," he muttered through gloved fingers, "I don't know how much you learned about what happened in Aquroya, but so help me, if you tell the colonel-"

Hughes laughed and handed him a picture. "Don't worry," he said. "I already talked to the colonel."

Ed froze, choking. "A-and?" he asked.

The older man grinned. "I may have mentioned something about you spectacularly losing an alchemical battle because you got distracted by-"

"Don't even mention it!" Ed said in a panic, eyes wide. "There's people around here, you know!"

Hughes regarded him curiously for a moment. "Come now," he said. "It's not all that bad. It's just part of being a man."

Ed's hands twitched, and Hughes imagined that he was probably wishing they were wrapped around his throat. However, he settled for simply muttering, "You're an idiot."

"Would you like to see the pictures of her last birthday again?" he asked with an easy grin. "There were some of you in there, too…"

Ed made a quick beeline for the door.

-----

"Why does everyone feel like torturing me today?"

Hawkeye heard the hopeless sigh from around the corner and almost felt a pang of sympathy; Ed really did get the short end of the stick (not to make a horrible, possibly life-threatening pun).

She _almost_ felt sorry for him But then again, he had destroyed her favorite credenza the other day.

Or had that been the colonel?

It was hard to remember. Between them, they usually managed to force her to pull her gun at _least_ once a week. More on Ed's side of things if it happened to be raining.

Ed stormed past her as she walked toward the colonel's office, paperwork in hand. He was hunched over and muttering to himself, hands stuffed sullenly in his pockets.

She stopped and blinked, however, and turned around to look at Ed again.

Was it possible…?

"Ed?" she said curiously.

He turned his head and raised an eyebrow.

She decided quickly that she didn't really want to ask what she'd thought of asking. "Nothing," she said.

As he pushed his way down the hall, though, she thought of how very close she'd come to setting him homicidal. And it was, of course, silly to think that he had actually gotten _shorter._

-----

"…so in short, you really ought to get yourself a wife."

Mustang twitched.

"How did we get from setting surveillance on Fullmetal to my marital status?" he demanded.

Hughes laughed – it came both from the phone and from just outside his door. "I'm just giving you some advice," he said. "It did wonders for me, let me tell you. I'm so happy these days, it's stupefying!"

"It's stupefying, all right," Mustang muttered to himself, not really caring if Hughes heard it on his end. "Is his phone tapped?" he said in a louder voice.

Hughes was silent for just a moment. Then, with something that sounded like very carefully suppressed laughter, he said: "Roy, _all_ the phones here are tapped."

The colonel froze. Then, the memory safely repressed (because _obviously_ Hughes couldn't have listened to _certain_ calls he'd recently made) he continued. "And who could we have following him? He knows most of the people at the office. It would be incredibly obvious if any of them were to follow him everywhere he went."

He had the strangest impression that Hughes was grinning.

"It's already taken care of."

At the thrill in his voice, Mustang almost felt sorry for the older Elric.

_Almost._ But then again, Hawkeye now blamed _him_ for the credenza Fullmetal had accidentally dispatched.

-----


	3. Chapter 2

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

Note: It's generally accepted that the detective in Aquroya City is a humorous clone of Detective Zenigata from Lupin III. They don't give him a name, so I figured "Zeginata" would be satirically appropriate. P

**Summary:** Havoc loses everything and Ed gets some spaghetti.

**Chapter 2: **

_E. Elric's Business Phone; Day 1 of surveillance._

_dialing_

_ringing_

_phone picks up_

_Female: This is the Aquroya Law Enforcement Dept. What can I do for you today?_

_E: Is Detective Zeginata in?_

_Female: May I tell him who is calling?_

_E: Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric from Central City._

_Female: I'll transfer you over in a moment. Please wait…_

_boring music plays_

_Female: I'm sorry, Mr. Elric, but he says to tell you he isn't in. Ah – oops, I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to say that-_

_E: Like hell! Tell that old man he'd better talk to me or else-_

_line goes dead_

_E: Damnit!_

-----

Havoc nibbled furiously on his cigarette, ignoring the taste, as he stared at the person across the table from him.

"You're lying," he said in a hiss.

The other man winced. "Not really, no. I'm sorry."

Havoc made the sound of a man in a hopeless situation. "It's not fair!" he said. "It's just _not fair-_"

Fury reached across the table to set a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. "I know, I know – hey, do you want me to just give up? I can, you know, you could win anyway-"

"No!" Havoc pounded his fist on the table. "It's not the same and you _know_ it! Deal again!"

Fury sighed and sat back in his chair. "You just take too many risks," he mumbled to himself, turning over the first card and looking expectantly at his friend.

Havoc's eyes narrowed. "Hit me."

Fury dealt another.

A pause.

"Hit me."

Fury looked at him pleadingly. "Are you sure?" he asked.

Havoc nodded seriously. "Come on, hit me."

Sighing, he turned over another card. Twenty already. Unless there was an ace on the bottom, Havoc had already lost.

"Hit me."

Fury put his face in his hands. "I don't think you're getting this at all…" he muttered.

Just then, Edward Elric walked past, looking rumpled, grouchy, angry, and altogether quite a bit like his usual self. "Damn detective… he knows I can't go down there and kick his ass…" he was muttering to himself.

Fury's brow knit, and he began to intensely scrutinize the braided alchemist. Havoc took the opportunity to switch the cards around.

"Is it just me," the quiet man said, "or does Edward look slightly more… short… than usual…?"

There wasn't even the usual preemptory warning of "Who's so short-" before Fury discovered that his face had grown a shoe.

Ed stomped over only to recapture his boot before continuing on his grumbling journey through the office.

Havoc snorted. "Even _I_ could have predicted that," he said.

Fury groaned and rubbed at his nose as he looked down at the cards.

"Forty one," Havoc said. "I win."

Fury winced. "Havoc," he said. "You have to get-"

"Yes?"

Fury paused.

"Nevermind," he said. "You win."

-----

Hawkeye was suspicious.

Nothing had blown up, caught fire, or even been transmuted into a goat (don't ask) since four pm yesterday.

And.

Roy Mustang's paperwork was getting done.

By Ed, of course, but _still_. Work was getting done.

She put her chin into one hand and stared at the boy, wondering if he would ever realize just how much power Mustang had delegated to him in order to give him the authority to sign those papers. Surely the military would rue the day…

"Damn him," Ed was saying to himself. "Damn him, damn him, damn him, that _bastard-_"

Hawkeye sympathized. She really, really did.

It occurred to her that Edward was actually a bit young to be sitting in a desk all day (despite the fact that he was really about nineteen and only maybe six years younger than her) and also that Colonel Mustang was undoubtedly planning to take the day off.

This called for special intervention.

She walked over to Edward's desk slowly, then moved behind him to study the papers he was currently reading through, his hand ready on the pen.

Ah, how naively wonderful. He was actually _reading_ them.

He began to sign the current paper cautiously; it was a request to order more green ink pens.

"Ed?" she asked politely.

The alchemist jumped and let out a high-pitched yelp, his chair sliding out from beneath him. He whirled about.

"Don't scare me like that!" he snapped. Then, looking down at the paper he had been reading- "Oh no!" he moaned. "The signature's ruined!"

Hawkeye raised an eyebrow. "It looks perfectly fine to me," she said.

Ed shook his head. "Look at that! The 'L' is all messed up, it's out of alignment with the 'R'-"

"It's _fine_, Edward," she said patiently.

"-no, it's not, I really need to redo it, now- where can I get another form like this-"

"Edward."

"Or maybe I could just transmute it off? It'd be tricky, but I could probably do it-"

"_Edward!"_

He blinked. Then dropped the pen.

"I- I'm going crazy," he said, shaking his head.

Hawkeye put a hand on his shoulder. "Ed," she said. "Maybe you should go out to lunch."

Ed frowned. "I've got way too much to do for that," he said. "I can grab something on the way home."

Hawkeye rubbed at her forehead. Then, on inspiration, she pulled the next paper from the stack and pretended to stare at it closely.

"Edward," she said. "These really need to be signed by the colonel. I don't know why he gave them to you, you really don't have the authority for them. This is a grave oversight. I'm going to have to take them all back to him now!"

Ed swallowed, then looked down at the giant stack of papers.

"Er… so… I don't have anything to do?" he asked hopefully.

She held back a vicious smile at the thought of catching Roy Mustang on his way out to lunch. "Not now, I suppose. Why don't you go and have some spaghetti at that place down the street? I'll see what I can find for you when you get back."

A strange expression came over Ed's face.

"Actually…" he said. "Man, I could _really_ go for some spaghetti right now."

Hawkeye picked up the large stack of papers. "Go and get some then," she advised.

When she turned around, he was already gone.

She wondered only for a moment how he could possibly have believed the colonel's signature was imperative for the ordering of green ink pens.

Oh well.


	4. Chapter 3

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary:** In which a call is made and Ed is cornered.

**Chapter 3:**

_E. Elric's Business Phone; Day 2 of surveillance._

_dialing_

_ringing_

_phone picks up_

_Female: This is the Aquroya Law Enforcement Dept. What can I do for you today?_

_E: This is… uh… Lieutenant Havoc, from Central Office. May I have a word with Detective Zeginata?_

_Female: One moment, please…_

_more elevator music… I wonder if it would be okay to fast forward through this stuff…_

_E: Damnit, how long are they going to have me on hold-_

_phone picks up_

_Man: This is Detective Zeginata in Aquroya__City_ – _how can I help you, Lieutenant Havoc?_

_E: Listen here, you bastard, I know you're avoiding me! You better make some kind of headway on that investigation, 'cause eventually I'm going to get more leave and then-!_

_Man: Might you tell me to what you're referring, Lieutenant Havoc? If you're interested in the Psiren case, I'm afraid that information's been classified by one of your coworkers, Mr. Edward Elric. Why don't you ask him for permission-_

_E: You know damn well who I am!_

_Man: -so, I'm going to have to get going, because I have, ah, lots of things to do. Yes. So please call back later-_

_E: Don't you dare hang up on me, you sneaky little-_

_line goes dead_

_E: Not again! Hey! HEY!_

-----

The predator honed in quietly on its prey, slinking from hiding spot to hiding spot. It had to be unobtrusive. It had to be sneaky. It had to be _careful._

"Goddamnit, I'm so sick of this weird stuff going on…"

Good. The hunted hadn't picked up on its presence yet.

"You'd think it would be a simple matter to catch one stupid woman…"

Yes. The time was here. It would strike!

"HEY, ED!"

"AUGH!"

The boy jumped back, a hand to his chest, eyes saucer-wide. He tried vainly to calm his hyperventilation as Hughes advanced jovially on him.

"No more pictures!" Ed pleaded. "Please, no more pictures, I'll do _anything!"_

Hughes perked up. "_Anything?_" he said. "Reeeeally?"

Ed eyed him suspiciously, though it was hard to do so convincingly while he was still gasping for breath. "Hey, what do you have in mind, you jerk…"

Hughes' hand twitched toward his coat pocket, though, and Ed threw up his hands in submission. "All right, all right!" he said. "Name your terms!"

The older man pouted. "I just wanted to ask you to take care of Alicia for a while…" he whined.

Ed twitched. "Why would you want to voluntarily give up your daughter for even a moment?" he asked.

Hughes pulled out the big guns. He turned on the waterworks. "Ah!" he said tragically. "Gracia said she wanted some time all alone – I told her we could go to a movie with Alicia, or maybe watch her ride her bike, or take her to the park, but for some reason she got angry at me for that…"

Ed bought it, hook, line, and sinker. The boy snorted. "I wonder why," he said. "Is it possible even your wife could get sick of you talking about her all the time…"

Hughes put a hand to his heart, as though struck. "How cruel, Ed!" he said. "But…" He tried not to smile triumphantly. "Does that mean you'll do it?"

Ed blinked. "Hey," he said. "Hey wait, no-"

Hughes gasped. "What a wonderful friend you are!" he said. "I'm truly blessed – Gracia will be so _thankful_…"

At Ed's horrified expression, he knew he had won.

"I'll bring her over to your house at six," he said, smiling. "It'll only be for a few days – she'll love spending more time with you, she's been talking about it nonstop since I told her."

"Since you… told her…" Ed said dumbly. "You knew I was going to be hoodwinked into this, you bastard…"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Hughes said. "I hope you won't use that kind of language around my precious little Alicia!"

Ed put his head in his hands hopelessly.

"I'm doomed," he mumbled into his fingers.

-----

Alicia arrived at six pm sharp, and knocked politely on his apartment door.

Ed groaned into his ice cream and got up to face his doom.

"-now don't forget to give her breakfast every day, and make sure she goes to bed at a decent hour-"

"But Daaaaddy," Alicia whined. "Can't I stay up a _little_ later?"

Hughes caved immediately, his eyes going slightly misty. "Oh, of course, honey, you can go to bed at ten instead…"

Ed rolled his eyes. "It's going to be nine-thirty," he said. "I don't actually stay up that late."

Then, Alicia turned her pleading eyes on _him._

There was a hastily improvised staring contest, during which time her eyes began to water, and a small sniffle escaped her.

Ed looked away first.

"…fine. Ten. But _no_ later."

Alicia squealed and hugged him around the waist. "Yaaaay! You're the best, Uncle Ed!"

He twitched and looked over at Hughes, whose eyes were slightly glazed over.

_Uncle… Ed…_

"Good_bye_, Hughes," he said pointedly.

Hughes blinked, but otherwise didn't respond.

"I said _goodbye,_ Hughes," Ed emphasized.

"Yeah, Daddy, bye bye!" Alicia said enthusiastically.

Hughes tore himself away with what must have been a Herculean effort. Ed could've sworn he saw tears in the man's eyes.

"G-goodbye…" he managed. After a moment, Ed sighed in exasperation and began to push him out the door.

Hughes skidded slowly away, staring back at his daughter. "Daddy loves you, Alicia!" he called back desperately.

The little girl giggled and waved as Ed slammed the door.

"Idiot," he muttered to himself.

He looked back at the little girl, who was still giggling to herself.

"I won't _really_ make you stay up until ten," she promised with a winning smile.

Ed… melted.

"O-oh…" he muttered. Then: "Hey, want some ice cream?"

The little girl squealed in joy.

-----


	5. Chapter 4

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary: **Why putting a cute little kid into Ed's care isn't the brightest idea.

**Chapter 4:**

_E. Elric's Home Phone; Day 3 of surveillance._

_ringing_

_phone is picked up_

_E: Hello?_

_(Very Handsome) Male: Why hello there, Ed._

_E: (sigh) Hello, Hughes._

_An adorable, wonderful, perfect little girl laughs in the background._

_E: …let me guess._

_V.H.M.: Can I talk to my little girl?_

_E: …here._

_sound of phone being switched_

_V.H.M.: Hello?_

_Perfect Little Girl: Hi, Daddy! (Isn't her articulation just amazing, and at that age, too!)_

_V.H.M.: Hi there, pumpkin! Did you have fun last night?_

_P.L.G.: Yeah! We had the best time, we ate ice cream and popcorn and candy and Uncle Ed told me some really scary ghost stories-_

_E (from the background): Hey, you promised you wouldn't tell!_

_P.L.G.: Oops! Sorry, Uncle Ed told me a really happy story about a Princess and a magic comb before I went to bed at two-_

_E (moaning, from background): Alicia…_

_P.L.G.: Oh gosh, I mean- I mean, at ten, like you said, Daddy…_

_E (from background): Oh forget it, I'm already doomed… they're going to find some weird evidence today that says I'm involved in a smuggling ring or something…_

_V.H.M. (conspiratorially): So, did you find anything out?_

_P.L.G.: Oh, sorry, Daddy, I forgot! I'll try harder today, though, don't worry!_

_V.H.M.: That's my girl!_

_P.L.G.: I gotta go, Daddy, bye!_

_V.H.M.: Wait, wait, Alicia-_

_line goes dead_

_P.L.G.: Yay! Let's go to the candy store again, Uncle Ed!_

_E (from background): I **am** doomed…_

-----

Hawkeye blinked as she saw Ed drag himself over to his desk.

"Ed?" she asked. "Are you well?"

He groaned and she could've sworn she heard him say something along the lines of 'candy poisoning'.

Shortly, he put his head down onto his desk (on the pile of papers that had once again mysteriously migrated from Mustang's desk) and began to snore.

Hawkeye felt her eyebrows raise.

-----

"So that's… ah…"

"Twenty," Fury advised helpfully.

The little girl's brow furrowed. She smiled happily, though, a moment later. "You forgot the one with the big A, down there!" she said. "So that'd be…"

"Twenty-one," Havoc groaned.

Alicia keened happily, and took the ten dollar bill from his outstretched hand. "This is fun!" she said. "Let's play again!"

Fury smiled nervously. "Well why don't you give Havoc a break for a while, he's got a lot of work to do…"

Havoc glared at him and Fury shut his mouth quickly. "Deal," the other man growled.

-----

"Uncle Ed, Uncle Ed!"

Ed groaned in despair, and felt his stomach begin to protest at the movement.

"Uncle Ed, Uncle Ed!"

He opened his eyes blearily and looked up at the crowing little girl, who barely cleared the edge of his desk.

"Look!" she said proudly.

He did.

And he blinked.

"I took that dollar you gave me and gave it to Hammock and he gave me back… um… this many!" She held up a rather sizable wad of bills that Ed suspected consisted of most of Havoc's paycheck.

Ed coughed, sitting up again, ink smeared on his face. And shortly, he began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Can I buy some candy with this?"

The laughter stopped.

-----


	6. Chapter 5

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary: **The non-existent sick day.

**Chapter 5:**

_E. Elric's Home Phone; Day 4 of surveillance._

_dialing_

_ringing_

_phone picks up_

_Woman: This is the Central City office of the military – what can I do for you?_

_E: Ugh… hey, tell Mustang I can't come in today, Hawkeye._

_Woman: …Ed?_

_E: Yeah. Ed._

_Woman: I'm sorry Ed._

_pause_

_Woman: No, really. You sound horrible. But the colonel said earlier that you weren't to take any more days off._

_E: Look, I don't give a shit what the colonel said-_

_Woman: Ed!_

_E:-my stomach feels like someone stabbed it and left the knife in and I'm going to throw up any second if I actually stand up! What the hell does he want me to do in this condition?_

_Woman: Would you like me to give him the phone?_

_E: Oh, screw it. I know what he's going to say anyway. He'll probably fit a goddamn short joke in there too, while he's at it. _

_Woman: Ed, either stop complaining or get off the phone. I have too much work to do to let you yell at me about things I have no say in._

_E: You too, huh?_ _Fine._

_line goes dead_

-----

Black Hayate was eyeing the new credenza when the door slammed open.

The loud noise reminded him of a gunshot – he headed for the nearest desk, thinking in horror that the female Lieutenant had read his mind and run out to incapacitate him before he could carry it out.

Pounding footsteps receded into the hall, however, and when he peeked his head out from under the desk, he saw only a red, fluttering jacket.

"I'll tell _him_ what I think about coming into work when I'm dying-"

Another door slammed shut.

Black Hayate waited cautiously a moment before pulling himself back out from under the desk.

Once again, he eyed the credenza.

Well, why not.

He walked over and lifted his leg…

-----

"No."

"I'm _sick_, you bastard!"

"That's something we can both agree upon, but no."

"I feel like I'm _dying!"_

"I'm sure you're exaggerating, Ed."

"Exaggerating my-"

"Besides which, you've only been putting in half-days as it is. Naturally, as you're only half a person-"

"If you don't let me go home, I am probably going to throw up."

Pause.

"On your desk."

Pause.

"Right now-"

"Go!"

"Go home?"

"Yes, for God's sake, go home!"

Ed stumbled out the door – then stopped only to shout back in: "I take it you're volunteering to take Alicia for the day too!"

He ran for the office door, feeling as though he'd just gotten vengeance for many, many years of short jokes.


	7. Chapter 6

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

I'm afraid the whole "one a day" thing isn't going to work much longer. School. And another fic. And a need for Christmas money.

Sorry. I'll do my best.

**Summary:** Ed has a problem; Hawkeye has a laughing fit. Off screen, of course.

**Chapter 6:**

_E. Elric's Home Phone; Day 5 of surveillance._

_dialing_

_ringing_

_phone continues to ring_

_E: Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!_

_phone continues to ring_

_E: Pick up, if there is a God, you will pick up-_

_phone picks up_

_Woman: This is Winry Rockbell- I mean, Winry Elric-_

_E: Thank God, Winry, I need to talk to you-_

_Woman: I'm afraid I'm not at home right now – I'm going to be on vacation for a while, actually – so please leave a message and I'll get back to you by New Year's at the least, I swear-_

_line goes dead_

-----

Hawkeye was not in a good mood.

The colonel had just taken another vacation day (there were suspicious erasure marks on the chart that regulated things like that), the long put-off inventory needed to be done, and Ed had simply not shown up. And Black Hayate had done the unforgivable, right on the new credenza.

An eyebrow twitched as she surveyed the supply room.

But, of course, something _else_ was going to come up, just to make her day worse. It always happened just at the point of true despair. Yes, indeed. _3. 2. 1-_

"HAWKEYE!"

The eyebrow twitch stopped. Calmly, Hawkeye unhooked her holster, pulled her gun from it, and turned around to point at Ed.

The teen's face turned horrified – he hit the floor just as her bullet hit an inch from where his head had been.

"I can explain!" he cried desperately. "But I need your help – there's no one else, and I think I may be _dying_-"

Hawkeye restrained her unsympathetic tendencies for the moment and knelt down beside Ed. There was something _incredibly_ wrong, after all. Her bullet had been exactly two centimeters higher than the near miss she'd meant it to be. The thought occurred to her that she may have missed; but of course, she _never_ missed. Therefore, obviously, Ed was somehow shorter.

With watery eyes, Ed whispered something to her. And suddenly, it all made perfect sense.

The edges of Hawkeye's mouth twitched.

-----

"But isn't there something you can do about the-"

"No, Ed. I'm sorry."

"But that's – that's -"

"Unfair?"

"…I was about to say disgusting, but yeah, that too."

Hughes blinked, his glasses askew from the hurried rush to the door. With Alicia under Roy's _loving_ care, the only person left to spy was, of course, himself.

Not that it was making much of a difference. For once, he had no earthly idea what this particular secret might be.

"…I'm going to kill her for this. Really. A slow, painful, hate-inspired, deathy death."

"That's not an adjective, Ed."

Here, Ed released an expletive that raised even Hughes' eyebrow. Immediately afterward, there was a gunshot and a hurried apology.

"Look, I'm just – really pissed! You don't know how horrible this is for me!"

"…no comment, Ed."

"Oh. Oh, yeah, I sort of forgot-"

A shriek was his only warning as another bullet bit through the door to race just past the part of his hair. Hughes swallowed.

"Listening at doors is rude," Hawkeye informed him coolly, opening the door.

Ed, behind her, looked ready to faint.

Hughes gave a nervous laugh and hurried away from the door.


	8. Chapter 7

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary: **Roy Mustang always gets the last laugh. Ha. Ha.

**Chapter 7:**

_E. Elric's Home Phone; Day 6 of surveillance._

_ringing_

_phone is picked up_

_Man (in an exhausted voice): …Roy Mustang speaking._

_E: Having fun?_

_Man: …Ed. I am going to personally see to it that you get the next worst possible assignment that crops up. I'm thinking Manure Factory inspection._

_E (innocent): You _didn't _have fun?_

_Perfect Little Girl (from background): Whee! Can I have some more coffee, Uncle Roy?_

_momentary silence on the line_

_E: I'll talk to her for a few minutes if you change it to an arctic assignment._

_Man: Now look here-_

_PLG: Let's play duck duck goose again!_

_Man: …inventory. Final offer._

_E: Done._

_sound of phone being handed over_

_PLG: Uncle Ed! Uncle Ed! I had the best time with Uncle Roy, we went to the fair, and rode a roller coaster, and Uncle Roy turned green at the end!_

_E (holding back laughter): That… sounds like fun, Alicia._

_PLG: And Uncle Roy tried to get me to tell him about your thing, he promised all kinds of things if I did-_

_E (horrified): You didn't, did you?_

_PLG: Of course not! We made a special promise!_

_E: …you know, it occurs to me._ _Does Hughes have my home line tapped too?_

_PLG: Um… uh…_

_E: Alicia?_

_PLG: …a little?_

_E: …HUGHES!_

_static_

_signal dead_

-----

"How could you, Alicia? To your own daddy!" Tears streamed down Hughes' face as he shook his daughter's shoulders.

Alicia blinked. "But I promised Uncle Ed!" she said.

Hughes sniffled. "You promised me first!"

She smiled. "Yeah, but me and Uncle Ed had a special promise – it makes other promises not count."

Hughes blinked as she stuck a chocolate in her mouth.

-----

Black Hayate stared at the credenza.

It sat there, avoiding his gaze.

The dog pondered for a moment his best approach. The thing was obviously smart – it had both cleared itself of his mark in a mere day _and_ tattled on him to the Lieutenant.

Black Hayate crept forward slowly, pondering. Yes – he would have to render the thing utterly helpless this time.

He raised his leg…

BANG.

The door flew open again, freezing the dog where it stood. But no – it was only the Colonel, muttering under his breath.

"Damn you, Fullmetal, you _knew_ the inventory was already done."

He stormed into his office, still muttering, then slammed that door shut as well.

If dogs were capable of shrugging, Black Hayate would have done so. Back to that gossiping credenza…

-----

"I'm promoting you."

Ed's expression was priceless.

"You're… what?"

Roy Mustang leaned forward, and Ed swallowed strangely. "Promoting you. For a week."

"Um," Ed said in a slightly high voice. "I don't- I haven't done anything that needs-"

"Your new title is Lieutenant Procurer," Mustang said, feeling the sadistic satisfaction already swelling within. "Your new duties include, but are not limited to-" And here, he took out a handwritten list; it had suggestions, taken from the other staff. "-janitor, dishwasher, secretary, messenger, snack creator, door boy, dog cleaner-upper, and oh yes…" Here, he smiled, slow and vindictive. "Hawkeye has been given the week off. You are now in charge of her duties as my personal assistant."

Ed, now mere inches away, had pulled down into his chair like a hunched little mouse. His face had turned pale white.

Hm. Not at all up to his usual standards – normally, by this time, he'd be yelling epithets.

"Starting now," Roy finished, pulling back. "Coffee. Lieutenant."

Ed, surprisingly, bolted.

Funny. He'd certainly never reacted that way before.

-----

"-a week, he said, Hawkeye, you can't leave me here with him for a week!"

Hughes crept slowly forward. With Hawkeye and her handgun gone, Ed had once more become open game as far as spying was concerned. And Hughes' curiosity had never before gone so unsated.

"No, but you don't understand! He _smiled_ at me, and- and- UGH!"

Ah yes. Ed's new assignment. Hughes had added the 'snack creator' – he had cravings for handmade dumplings at the oddest times. Just like Gracia's…

"What do you mean, '_ignore it',_" Ed said wildly into the phone. "We don't all have stone cold faces – no, I don't play poker!"

In-ter-est-ing. If only Ed hadn't thought to remove that bug beforehand…

"Hawkeye – wait, Hawkeye, don't go, please-"

Ed, quite suddenly, dropped the phone and started sobbing.

"My life is over," he wailed. "I can't _do_ this!"

Hughes, now thoroughly baffled and somewhat frightened by this development, slunk back over to his desk to make a call…


	9. Chapter 8

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary:** Ed is uncomfortable, Roy is clueless, and Alicia isn't telling.

**Chapter 8:**

"…all of this because he had a woman, er, cozy up to him?" Mustang muttered into the phone. "That's actually slightly disturbing, and if true, it would make me doubt his masculinity even more than I have previously had reason to, Hughes. Are you sure?"

"_Well, she did unzip her shirt-"_

"There has got to be another explanation," he sighed, feeling restless. So far, Ed had very, very quietly come in to work, gotten Roy his coffee, rinsed the load of dishes that had been moldering for days, and cleaned up the poor Credenza. At the moment, he was (_still_ quietly) doing the mile-high stack of paperwork Roy had left him.

In short, this was not Ed's usual behavior. In fact, Roy was beginning to suspect enemy infiltration by way of incredibly-realistic disguise.

"_I'm really doing my best,"_ Hughes' voice came over, sounding frustrated. "_But Alicia won't tell me what she talked to Ed about."_

Roy narrowed his eyes, one gloved finger tapping on the desk.

Ed was now standing up, a hand on his hip as he yelled menacingly at Black Hayate and waved his other fist in the air for good measure. The dog was blinking uncomprehendingly, its tail thumping rhythmically into the credenza near the entrance.

"I am getting… worried, Hughes."

There was a momentary silence on the other end of the line.

"_You know,"_ Hughes said, "_that worries _me _even more."_

-----

"Lunch hour," Roy said from behind him.

Ed leapt up from his chair with a strange sound, banging his thigh on the desk and just as quickly falling back into it.

Mustang raised an eyebrow. "Are you planning on _having_ lunch, Ed?"

Ed muttered something sullen under his breath, settling a stack of papers with a 'click'.

"What was that?"

The teen turned around to glare at him. "I forgot to bring one, oh-mighty-colonel. Not like you're probably going to let me eat."

Mustang smiled, careful not to bare his teeth too ferociously. "Quite wrong, Fullmetal," he corrected. "I was going to see if you wanted to come along. I'm going out to eat, since Hawkeye isn't here."

Ed, quite understandably, looked wary. "…are you carrying poison?"

Mustang shrugged. "Do you really care, in your predicament?"

For a moment, he pondered this. Then, he shrugged as well. "Guess not." He managed to get up with quite a bit more grace this time, limping only slightly.

Mustang observed him carefully, taking special care to note any foam near the mouth. He certainly didn't want to get bitten and end up with rabies.

Ed, though, looked up at him with an uncomfortable expression. "You going or what?"

So far, the signs were not looking good.

-----

"That will be one mushroom ravioli, one plain spaghetti, and your phone number, if you please."

Roy said this all very lazily, a smirk on his face. The waitress huffed and stalked off, but he could see her smiling to herself at the other end of the restaurant.

Ed, slumped into a sulking position across from him, made a face. "You're disgusting, you know that?"

Roy raised an eyebrow, turning back to him. "She's quite pretty – I don't know what you mean."

Ed made an exasperated sound. " '_Your__phone number, if you please' _?" he imitated, rolling his eyes. "Do you have any idea how arrogant that sounded?"

Roy shrugged. "It's never failed me before, Fullmetal. If anything, you ought to be taking notes." He eyed the teen speculatively. "Though you'd probably have to try a different tact with that face."

Ed bolted upright instantly. "And what _exactly_ is that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

Roy rubbed at his chin, deep in thought. "It's more… girlish. You'd probably have to take the 'vulnerable, sensitive' route."

Ed's mouth dropped at this suggestion. "G-_girlish?_" he asked in a somewhat high voice, confirming Roy's suggestion.

"I did say so, didn't I?" he muttered. Delicate faces were a rare commodity. They weren't quite as effective as his own, the suave, handsome one, but certainly very close.

Ed seemed unable to manage a coherent response after his initial protest. His mouth was working soundlessly.

Roy tilted his head with a frown, thinking. He grabbed Ed's face, turning it to the side. "_Perhaps_ you could pull off a boyish look. But that sometimes backfires, if they're not into younger men."

Ed's face was hot, which meant he was probably getting close to the breaking point. Roy smirked at him.

"Not in the restaurant," he taunted. "Wouldn't want to be in debt for a few years, would you?"

At this, Ed's face went completely slack, and Roy began to wonder whether he'd finally just broken him, as Fury kept suggesting he would one day.

He pulled his hand away – then, noting that Ed was still staring off into space, he snapped his fingers in front of him.

This had the unintended effect of making Ed fall straight backward as he jumped in fright. The hard 'thunk' of a head hitting the floor soundly made Roy wince. He'd almost forgotten about the reflex Ed associated with the gesture – namely, the frantic dodging of explosive blasts.

"Don't – _do_ – that!" Ed hissed from the floor, struggling to sit up again. "Scared the hell out of me!"

Roy pretended to feel no guilt over it – not too hard, as what existed was in fact very minimal. "Your head is quite hard enough to survive a fall," he shrugged.

Ed opened his mouth to respond hotly – but then, his eyes went curiously glassy.

"Colonel," he said. "I didn't know you had a twin."

Roy only had the time to blink once before Ed fainted onto the table.


	10. Chapter 9

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

…would you believe it's an update?

**Summary:** Roy discovers he's not a bastard all the time. Ed discovers what it feels like to have a concussion.

**Chapter 9:**

"Ugh…"

Havoc looked up from his (losing) card game at the sound, a strangely pitched groan he'd never heard before.

His cigar dropped from his mouth.

"Not a word," Mustang threatened.

He was, however, much less imposing than normal, owing to the fact that not only was he not wearing his gloves, but he was piggy-backing a somewhat loopy-looking Edward.

There was a silent pause – he and Fury turned their heads as one, watching dazedly as Mustang marched up to his office with a brilliant scowl. There, he paused, Ed's red-sleeved arm hanging limply in front of him.

"…someone open the door," he said finally.

Fury got up slowly – then, without making a sound, he turned the knob and pushed in the door. Mustang walked inside, and he shut it behind him.

There was only one more second of awed quiet before Havoc picked back up his cards and Fury settled in.

However, even as he went to draw a card, Havoc paused one more time.

"…that was weird," he said. "I'm not the only one that thinks that was weird, right?"

Fury shook his head.

-----

"What are you doing here?" Ed asked woozily.

Roy's frown deepened. "It's my _office_," he said.

Then, with a slight pause – "I _know_ that," Ed said. "But what are you doing here? Where the hell did the restaurant go?"

Roy raised his eyebrows. "You knocked yourself out."

Ed blinked.

"Oh," he said.

Roy rubbed at his face unhappily. This was not how he had planned things. The restaurant thing had gone perfectly fine, but he was supposed to have put Ed (somewhat) at ease and then surprise him with a few questions.

Except, now Ed had gone and screwed everything up.

"Who am I?" he asked patiently.

Ed blinked, looking unfocused. Then – "The bastard colonel?"

Oh. Well, at least they didn't have to worry about any permanent change in Ed's personality.

"And I'm not pretty," Ed grumbled. "_You're_ pretty."

Mustang frowned. Nix that last one. That was not a typical 'Ed' statement.

Ed closed his eyes, slowly. He kept them closed for a moment, then slowly reopened them again, as though confused at his own comment.

"Did I just call you _pretty_?" he asked, sounding shocked and disgusted.

"Not to butt in," Fury called tentatively from the doorway. "But what happened?"

Roy put his face in his hand. "I broke Ed," he said.

Fury blinked. "Oh," he said.

He shut the door again.

"There's something _wrong_ with me," Ed groaned, turning over on the small couch.

Roy sighed, then grabbed his face and peeled one of his eyelids up. Ed let out a strange kind of squeaking noise he'd never heard from him before.

"_Concussion,_" Roy muttered, aghast. "God damnit."

"Hey," Ed said, pushing at his arm. "Let _go_."

Roy did so – then twitched as Ed's head hit the armrest.

A somewhat slurred expletive followed.

"You trying to _kill_ me today?" Ed demanded sluggishly.

Roy tapped his fingers on the desk pensively.

A knock on the door interrupted his heavy thoughts.

"Sir?" Fury's voice sounded again, tentative. "There's a woman here who says she has your food. And a phone number."

Well. At least one thing had gone well.

"She asked if I could ask you to give it to Ed."

Roy's eyebrows shot upward – he looked over at the dead-looking figure on the sofa. Ed… giggled.

"I hate to say this…" Roy said slowly. "But I think there is a bigger problem to attend to for the moment."


	11. Chapter 10

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary:** Hawkeye is contacted. Threats get made.

**Chapter 10:**

_Office Phone #4; Thursday, 3:15 PM_

…_noise in the background does not permit for interpretation – the first audible parts of the conversation are below_

_Woman: He… he did _what?

_F: He broke Ed!_

_Woman: What on earth do you mean, Fury? Talk more clearly, I can't hear you over this stupid-_

_F: Ed has a concussion! I kept telling him it would happen one day, but he didn't believe me, he just kept teasing him-_

_Woman: For god's sake, is Ed all right? He's not in a coma or anything, is he?_

_F: No! No, Ed's… actually, I don't think he's all right. He's acting… strange. But physically, he's… actually, he can't really walk on his own, he gets all nauseous and dizzy. But-_

_Woman: Fury! _

_F: Well, we don't know what to do!_

_pause_

_Woman: So you called _me

_pause_

_F: Yes. I'm sorry, but please, do you have any advice, Hawkeye?_

_Woman: This is not a good time to be asking. I'm incredibly busy over here, Fury._

_F: I'm _begging _you, Hawkeye, please. The colonel looks like his brain just shorted._

_Woman: The _colonel_? What about _Ed

_F: You know the colonel's no good at dealing with these kinds of situations! Have you ever seen him do something useful in his _life

_Woman: …once or twice. All right, fine. I've got to go – but you're going to have to keep an eye on Ed for at least two days. Make Mustang do it._

_F: You've got to be kidding! I'm not telling the colonel that!_

_Woman: He's got to own up to his mistake - I don't have the time to bail him out of this one right now. If he needs any greater incentive, remind him that Al is going to be back within the month._

_F: But Hawkeye-!_

_line goes dead_

_F: I'm doomed. Come to my funeral, Hughes. Leave roses._

-----

"Hell no!"

Ed was sounding much more like his normal self at the moment.

"I assure you, I am even less enthusiastic about the idea," Roy muttered. Good lord, where was a cigarette when he needed one?

Oh yes. Hawkeye had made him quit.

Well. She wasn't here now, was she?

"Havoc!" Roy called. "Get me a cigarette!"

"Hell no, sir!" Havoc called back, in much the same tone of voice Ed had. "Hawkeye would flay me alive!"

Roy's eyebrow twitched.

"I can take perfect care of myself," Ed growled out. Then, in a lower tone of voice that he might have thought Roy couldn't hear: "Damn Hawkeye, selling me out like that…"

"If you died in your bed, I would have to do at least two weeks of paperwork," Roy said coolly, but his eyebrow was still twitching, he knew.

"Not to mention Al would-"

"I think you should be quiet," Roy advised. "Sit back and shut up and we might yet get through this day."

Fullmetal was only amusing in small doses. Two days with him would have Roy at the 'strangle self with military tie' stage. Especially after being explicitly told to 'be nice'.

Ed settled back into the sofa with a grumble, the ice pack on his head shifting somewhat. He crossed his arms, and _pouted._

Roy's first goal – the determination of the reason for Ed's strange behavior – would be followed quickly by goal number two: the determination of Ed's sexual orientation. Truly, he was beginning to wonder.

The pout turned into a scowl as Roy stared at him. "Don't you have paperwork to do or something?" Ed demanded.

Roy shook his head and walked back to his desk to throw himself back into the chair.

Hah. As though he was going to be able to concentrate. Fullmetal would quickly dash any hopes of that.

Still, fully expecting an interruption, Roy began looking through Hughes' reports of the calming situation in Ishbal. Damn but it was nice to have an expert spy in his employ.

Ten minutes later, after realizing he had safely made it through an entire three pages, Roy glanced over at the couch in suspicion.

Ed was staring at him, a somewhat dazed expression on his face.

"If you don't stop making that face, you're going to have to go to the hospital proper," Roy said irritatedly – though actually, it was a bit worrying that Ed couldn't seem to keep his mind focused.

Ed blinked.

"What?" he asked crossly. "I'm supposed to shut up, right?"

Roy decided to go back to the reports, instead of responding.


	12. Chapter 11

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary:** Ed nods off. Disturbing ideas occur at the end of the day.

**Chapter 11:**

Ed said absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. Mustang had once thought a silent Ed was impossible. Being proven wrong was highly unnerving, and the way it set his teeth on edge reminded him of that week he'd been forced to go without coffee.

At six pm, by the time he finished up for the day, he half-considered turning something into a goat again, just to make things seem more like the usual.

This abnormal behavior was partly explained when he realized that Ed had fallen asleep out of boredom – his arm was swinging here and there, and his mouth hung open in a way that made for quiet snoring. It was a position such that any other day, there would have been pictures taken for future blackmail.

Hm.

Roy narrowed his eyes, feeling that something was out of place with the picture.

He looked around once before rising from the desk and moving closer, analyzing Ed's face for peculiarities. Perhaps his enemy-dressed-like-Ed theory had been right – er, no. He wasn't that crazy.

There didn't _seem_ to be anything out of place, other than the big dramatic bandage Havoc had wrapped around his head. That was probably some form of passive-aggressive revenge, meant to jab at his conscience. The joke was on them – he didn't have one.

Roy rubbed at his forehead – then blinked, his gaze drawn downward.

Of the arm that hung from the couch, only the bare fingertips of a gloved hand could be seen. The rest was entirely covered by Ed's red sleeve.

That didn't seem right.

Curiously, Roy looked over at the other arm, presumably the metal one (though he never could remember which was which from which point of view). The sleeve stopped just below the wrist.

_What?_

Mustang shook his head and straightened, deciding that he had started to hallucinate. Ed's arms were exactly the same length. Winry Rockbell always made certain of that. Besides which, if he had his arms right, there was no possible way that the metal arm should be longer than the normal one.

Ed had apparently noticed his movement at some level, because his eyes were starting to open. Roy almost kicked him the rest of the way awake, just to show he wasn't going soft – except that he could _see_ Hawkeye and her unhappy gun in his mind's eye. Reluctantly, he waited for Ed to waken fully on his own.

"Ow. Damn, it's bright in here."

He raised an eyebrow as Ed squinted at him.

"Are you Fury or Mustang? I can't tell."

"_Colonel_ Mustang," Roy corrected in a grumble, feeling ineffectual and slightly guilty. Oh, well… damn. He'd located his non-existent conscience.

"Yeah, yeah," Ed yawned. "What's up?"

Roy had been about to say 'it's time to go home, get out of my office', but he checked himself just in time. Hawkeye… couldn't possible have meant two _days_. With the… night thing, in between…

"…nothing. I'm going to get more paperwork." Dear _god._ He mentally upgraded his two-day diagnosis to 'transfiguring the grass to pavement and leaping out the third story window'.

"Where's my spaghetti?" Ed muttered.

"Break room," Roy said shortly. "And I am _not_ carrying you this time. I have my limits."

Ed tilted his head back to look up at him with a funny expression. "I don't remember that," he said.

Roy inwardly winced. That had been one of those things he'd been planning to keep from Ed (in that blackmail-the-staff-with-a-noonday-roast way), knowing it would be held over his head for decades. "You were quite close to unconscious at the time," he said. Then, pride wounded – "You weigh much more than one would expect from a two inch person."

Mustang counted down the seconds with an almost desperate anticipation. 3. 2. 1-

"Hope it wasn't too bad," Ed shrugged, rubbing at his forehead. "Metal arm and all."

Roy was going to need _therapy_.


	13. Chapter 12

**Accidents Will Happen  
By Rurouni Star**

**Summary:** And finally, we look into Ed's brain. Uh huh - been wanting to, haven't you?

**Chapter 12:**

After hitting his head on the hard tile of the restaurant floor, there seemed to be a small period of time missing. Ed had spent an entire minute trying to figure out where he was once he woke up – at the end of that minute, he realized not only that he was moving, but that there was someone under him doing the moving.

The fact that Colonel Mustang was toting him into the office with a scowl didn't penetrate his fuzzy mind until Havoc got up to open the door. Or… had that been Fury? He couldn't really remember.

At this point of realization, Ed had decided that as soon as he was let down, he was either going to run like hell or create a distraction and _then_ run like hell (perhaps by transmuting Roy's desk into something flowery, instead of picking on the poor credenza again). Because it wasn't _possible_ that the man hadn't noticed a few things by now, in spite of all possible precautions.

His plan, unfortunately, was shot all to hell as he was dumped onto the couch. His head, loose a few wires, was telling his legs to get up. His legs were being obstinate.

Plan B being 'pretend to forget the whole damn thing', Ed looked up at him and blinked.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

Mustang frowned at him. "It's my _office,_" he said, clearly exasperated. Ed hoped this was not an indication of discovery.

"I _know_ that," said Ed. "But what are you doing here? Where the hell did the restaurant go?"

"You knocked yourself out."

_The hell I did. You call that knocking _myself _out…_

Ed remembered Plan B just in time to stop himself from saying this, but realized very soon that his memory actually did blank out at strange intervals. The thought cycle went something like this:

Ed: All right. I'm going to forget everything.

Brain: Yes, indeed, Ed, you are.

Ed: What was I thinking about?

Brain: I don't know. I have a headache. Ask him.

Things went on in this vein until Ed squinted up at the colonel again and remembered to talk.

"Oh."

There was a long, long pause this time. Mustang eyed Ed suspiciously.

"Who am I?" he asked.

_The devil incarnate?_ _A sadistic tempt-you-with-lunch-and-knock-you-out freak? _"The bastard colonel?" It was best just to stick with the old good ones when your brain was unhinged.

Mustang looked visibly relieved, which was funny. Ha. Maybe this whole joke of an incident would teach him to stop calling people 'girlish' and such…

Ed narrowed his eyes at him.

"And I'm not pretty. _You're_ pretty." Right.

At the colonel's new change in expression, Ed closed his eyes for a moment, thinking the thing through again. He had a feeling he'd missed a step of logic somewhere, his brain floating around all disjointed and aching in his skull. Then, of course, the thought hit him that the narrator was retelling something that had already occurred once.

_Narrator?_ his brain had said. _What are you thinking?_

_Well it was weird enough that people may want to know the thought processes behind it,_ the narrator had reasoned. _Besides which, why write a story about Ed without doing something from his point of view at least once? It only makes sense, brain._

Yeah. That entire exchange still weirded him out.

_Hey wait,_ his brain said suddenly. _You just called Mustang pretty._

Ed's eyes snapped open.

"Did I just call you _pretty?_" Ed asked, appalled that some badly thought out insult had taken control of his mouth while his brain went on sick leave.

Mustang looked just as shocked as he imagined _he_ did.

Fury said something from the doorway. It sounded somehow muffled from where Ed lay. Possibly because one of his ears was to the couch, and possibly because his head was pounding like a bunch of drummer boys had taken up residence there.

Mustang put his face in his hand, and Ed blinked.

"I broke Ed," he said, the words muffled. For a moment, Ed thought his other ear had somehow been pressed to the couch too, but then he realized that Mustang's mouth was partly covered by the hand as well.

More Fury-mumbling. The door thudded shut.

Ed turned over, the dots in front of his eyes blinking with each beat of his poor brain.

"There's something _wrong_ with me," he moaned, wishing with a strange and sudden fierceness that the weird thoughts in his head would just disappear so he could at least be left alone with the pounding there.

Mustang jerked his head back toward him, pulling on one of the eyelids. Ed meant to say something scathing, but what came out instead was some kind of half strangled noise.

Luckily, Mustang seemed more intent on his one open eye, which was twitching uncontrollably in the need to shut again and also because Ed wanted to hurt him very badly.

"_Concussion,_" the colonel muttered, sounding truly put out. "God damnit."

A couple of possible responses ran through Ed's head: "You just _now_ figured it out?" was one, and then there was "Well sorry for ruining _your_ day, King Mustang." Oh yes, and – "Hey, where the hell's my apology?"

What came out was: "Hey. Let _go._" Because, apparently, having a concussion made him slightly more polite. Or perhaps that was pure humiliation.

For once, Mustang obliged him. Ed realized a moment later that he'd probably been a little hasty, as his head thudded against whatever he was laying on.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow-

"You trying to _kill_ me today?" Ed demanded, trying to go back over it to look for other suspect instances. The colonel's smirk earlier when he'd mentioned poison rang a bell. Bell. Bells in his head. Good god, his head was ringing.

It was ringing in a _pattern_, though. If he'd wanted, Ed could have hummed along to it. Instead, he found himself laughing almost insanely.

Even in his hazy, pained, dot-vision'd state, Ed had one clear thought in his head:

_I am going to **kill** Psiren._


	14. Chapter 13

**Accidents Will Happen**

**By Rurouni Star**

**Summary:** Ed is paranoid. Roy is in a good position to find out absolutely nothing. Hughes is still mystified.

**Chapter 12:**

It was two in the morning.

"I think I'm going crazy," Ed was mumbling from the couch in his office. "You think I'm crazy?"

Roy resisted the urge to haul Ed up to check his arm lengths again, just to assure himself that _he_ wasn't crazy.

"I think being short is a kind of lunacy," Roy said bluntly, still waiting for the axe to fall.

There was a short silence, filled with the mind-numbing sound of too many crickets, during which time he wondered whether Ed had finally lost it and was going to attack him while no one was around to play witness. Well, at least he'd die feeling better about the whole situation.

"…so I am crazy?" Ed muttered. "I thought so."

Panic button. Break glass in case of emergency. Screw that, take a hammer to it – _ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!_

"Yes," Roy blurted quickly. "Because you're very short. As short as a bean, Ed. A little, tiny lima bean."

"I don't like beans," Ed said. "Or milk. Milk is disgustingly pretty. Er – pretty disgusting. That first one's Armstrong."

If there was a test for determining Ed-ness, that had been it. Apparently, Ed was… not Ed. Perhaps he was from Ishbal. They'd finally figured out that they were being spied on and sent one back.

"Short as a little ant," Roy continued desperately. "Short as a flea on an ant. A germ on a flea on an ant."

Ed laughed.

"I really did break you," Roy mumbled, shaking his head. "She's going to shoot me. Straight between the eyes."

The paperwork he'd gone to get sat in front of him, undone, while he tapped his pen on it as though it were _going_ to get done. There was only one other person in the room, who currently wouldn't even notice if Black Hayate decided to turn him into a target, but appearances had to be kept up.

Roy sat where he was for a moment, trying to think of some way to shock Ed back to working order.

Tap. Tap.

Nothing. The only thoughts that seemed to come immediately to mind were "I'm tired" and "They've probably started a betting pool on Fullmetal's survival. Or mine."

Snore.

He glanced over at Ed again. He had cured his boredom by once again falling asleep.

_You know, I think I'm technically supposed to keep him awake-_

The phone rang.

Roy jumped – then, because Roy Mustang _never_ jumped, he calmed himself, took a quick look around to see the place was still deserted, then waited a few rings. _Then_ picked it up.

"It's two in the morning," he said.

"_Actually, it's two-o-six,"_ Hughes' voice told him, from over the line. "_How is Ed?"_

Roy looked at the sleeping figure on the couch. He returned his attention to the phone. "He's drooling."

"_Do you think that's healthy? Does that mean something, I mean, medically…"_

"I doubt it."

There was a pause.

"Was there another reason you called?" he said into the phone.

He had the impression that Hughes was scratching at his head. "_Well… sort of. You remember that whole business before the concussion…"_

"You solved it?" Roy asked, impressed in spite of himself.

"_Oh. Ah, not so much. But I looked into Aquroya a little more, and I traced some records – the duel he was involved in was with an escaped alchemical criminal, pseudonym Psiren. Apparently, he was the one that first put her away, but she escaped on the same day…"_

"I hadn't been aware of her escape. His report did mention he'd jailed her, though. You said he failed that duel."

"_Right._ _It was right about the time she unzipped her-"_

"Yes. You said."

There was another pause, while he tried to find some reasoning in this information. It didn't really seem to have much connection to Ed's current state.

"_There _were _some rumors going around before he visited again,"_ Hughes added. "_A couple of alchemical artifacts, and some research notes were stolen…"_

Roy's frown deepened. Tap tap tap.

"You think she was making something?"

"_Maybe."_

Tap. Tap. Tap tap.

"Would you cut it out?" Ed's slurred voice muttered. "Some of us are trying to _sleep_ around here."

"_By the way, Alicia was really excited about the time she spent with you – she said she'd like to visit again-"_

Roy slammed the phone down quickly, pale in the face and hyperventilating. There were some things even State Alchemists found terrifying.

"Stop with the pen. It's not like you're going to do any paperwork anyway."

Tap. Twitch. "Make me. Shorty."

"Have it your way." Ed rolled over and closed his eyes. Roy began to desperately wonder when Hawkeye was going to get back.


End file.
